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If there’s one thing I’ve learned over my five decades with autoimmune arthritis, it’s that it ebbs and flows. There are times when everything’s as great as it can be, others when you enter the abyss, and everything in between. Having a chronic illness is much like being on a roller coaster, except slower and usually with less screaming (although sometimes, there’s nothing for it). It can feel really overwhelming when it takes over, but there are ways of coping.

A small sidetrack: when I talk about your condition taking over, it’s more than “just” a physical thing. There are flares — even mega flares — but at other times, it’s battling surgeries, an intimidating lineup of doctors’ appointments, or trying to dealing with a service provider that has weird ideas about what you should be doing with your life. Whatever it is, the stress can be overwhelming.

So what do you do to cope? Here are 5 tips:

Remember you have skillz

When everything seems to be going in the toilet and headed for a flush, it’s normal to feel overwhelmed and lost. Lost to the point that you can’t see a way out. This is when you need to remind yourself that you know how, even if you’ve never been in that particular situation before.

You have done hard things before. Whether it’s a broken heart, training for a marathon, having a child, going to college far from home… you get the idea. At some point (or points) in your life, you have done something that was really hard. Every time you’ve made it through a difficult experience, you have built and strengthened the skills you need to cope the next time life throws you a curveball. How you apply them might be slightly different, but you know the principles behind the technique.

Spend some time thinking about what you did before that help you get through a difficult experience, then start nibbling away at your current challenge.

Circle the wagons

“No man is an island.” This is the first line in a poem by John Donne, in 1624 and it’s still true. It’s from a meditation called Devotion upon Emergent Occasions. People have been going through really hard things since forever and it’s a good reminder that there is wisdom available right at the library or on the Internet to help you get through.

Before I get too sidetracked geeking out about old literature, let me return to the point. You need your peeps by your side when things are hard and it’s more than okay to ask for help. So reach out to your family, your friends, your online tribe, anyone you can think of. Unless you’re a hermit living in a mountain cave, there is someone in your life who will offer shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen.

Remember that you are not in control of the person’s reaction. Some people won’t have the bandwidth to take on supporting you through this. Unless they’re being an arse about it, don’t hold it against them. Also, different people have different skills. One friend is an excellent listener, while your cousin (say) excels at the practical things, filling your freezer with easy meals, but is terrible at providing emotional support. Asking for what the person can give or giving them options will enhance your chances of getting the help you need.

Get a pro involved

We are lucky that we live in the time when there are a huge variety of professionals who are available to help you through whatever it is you’re going through. Having a pro on your side will help you navigate whatever bureaucracy you need to access, and/or make it easier to cope emotionally.

Depending on the issue you’re facing, you might need to talk to a doctor, a therapist, a social worker, an occupational therapist, a physiotherapist, an accountant, or a trapeze artist — okay, maybe not that last one, but you get my point. If you’re not sure what kind of help you need, start with your family doctor. Their job is to be a generalist, which means they have excellent problem-solving skills. If your doctor isn’t sure what to do, try a social worker next. They are by definition a problem solver and facilitator of connections to other resources.

Change your focus

When you are in the middle of dealing with something huge, it can be all-consuming, taking over your life, your thoughts, your dreams. It can be incredibly stressful.

Even though you have to spend a lot of time on this challenge, it’s important to find a way to connect to the rest of your life. You may not have a lot of time and energy available, so sneak in small moments of life in the fight. A quick chat with a friend, a short break sitting in the sun with the wind in your hair, a treat – ice cream has been known to solve a lot of problems — your favourite show, and playing with your kids or pets.

Building that strong links to your “real life” is like an anchor, keeping you tethered to what you love so you remember why you’re working so hard to get back there.

Have faith

A long time ago, a friend shared a wonderful adage that he said was from the Torah: “This too shall pass.” I’ve held onto that during difficult moments over the past three decades as the truth that gets me through pretty much anything. Because nothing lasts forever — it always changes. Sometimes, coping is a matter of hanging on by your fingernails until there’s a shift.

So whether it’s your faith in change, yourself, the divine, your loved ones, or anything else, let it carry you through. Someday, you’ll look back on this moment and marvel at your own strength.