Blog

Updated November 30, 2021

The impossibility of juggling chronic illness, everyday tasks and writing good books at a decent pace pops up on a regular basis in my life. Every time, I look at my list — or List — and despair at ever catching up or being even vaguely proactive and organized.  Did I ever mention my theory that a life is much like a purse? You fill it to the brim no matter how big or small it is (this is why I refuse to get a purse much larger than a brick or two and often of the same heft). Add to the general things that we all do, there is also the chronic illness/disability part of the equation, which takes up an inordinate amount of time and effort and altogether, it sucks up all your time and energy and when your time and energy are lower than most people’s because of miscellaneous pain issues, by the time you’re done with what you have to do, there’s nothing left and you’re rendered incapable of doing anything but drooling in front of the TV.

And the more I thought about this, the more I realized how much writing I wasn’t getting done while I was running all the various aspects of my life. I have therefore decided that I need a wife.

Think about it. There’s a reason why historically, most artists, writers, painters, philosophers and what have you, have been men. Because they had wives who ran the household seamlessly and quietly, catered to their every whim, up to and including keeping nuisances and disturbances away from the sancto sanctorum wherein The Master (to be breathed in reverent tones) was thinking/writing/painting/picking his nose.

I’ve even heard of someone — and at this particular moment, I don’t remember who it was — who had a wife and a mistress, both of whom cooperated in enabling the guy to create in peace. No wonder the bastards were so productive!

And no wonder women couldn’t be. Can’t be?

So it’s logical that I need me one of those. And I don’t want a personal assistant, because they cost money and my business is too small to have any extra of that floating around. Essentially, I want an indentured servant, but someone who is unlikely to put arsenic in my tea before they attempt to escape. This leaves you with the option of someone who is catering to your every whim out of love. Well, to be historically correct, necessity, as women weren’t allowed to be on their own, but that’s a conversation for another day.

The position requires the following:

General housekeeping tasks, including, but not limited to, continually assessing stock of food and supplies, meal planning, grocery shopping, maintaining a neat, clean, and orderly home (not that I do that, but I have higher standards of indentured servants), plant care, answering of door and telephone, taking messages and preferably dealing with issues without involving me.

General paperwork and financial management, including engaging in business correspondence when required, banking, bill payment, submitting invoices, filing.

Continuous care of pet cats, including feeding and litter maintenance, as well as monitoring for potential symptoms of ill health, including an awareness of frequency and consistency of bowel movements, general state of health throughout the day, maintenance of medical history, liaising with various veterinary clinics, administering medication during which cat(s) may transform into snarling, spitting demon with a multitude of legs and mouths (all with so many teeth), daily grooming and cuddling, as well as providing enrichment, play and cuddle sessions.

Maintaining interpersonal relationships with family and friends, including regular phone calls, remembering birthdays and anniversaries, purchasing appropriate cards and gifts, wrapping said gifts, writing thoughtful and witty cards and arranging lunch/dinner plans with recipient, and/or mailing cards/gifts to arrive before or on special day, providing emotional and/or practical support when necessary.

Managing administrative and marketing tasks of independent author business, including preparing and submitting income tax returns, preparing and running ads, maintaining bi-weekly newsletter, scheduling engaging social media posts and building audience and community.

Managing volunteer duties (e.g., tenant rep, committee member), including attending several monthly committee meetings, maintain lists of community resources and appropriate contact information, awareness of building and community issues, preparing for meetings, engaging in follow-up, including preparation of reports, minutes and e-mails with various stakeholders, communication with stakeholders (includes letters, newsletters and meetings), and proactive planning and community development.

Managing large medical support team, including doctors (GP and specialists), nurses, physiotherapists, pharmacists, occupational therapists, naturopath, acupuncturist, shiatsu therapist, dentist, etc. This includes managing 50+ years worth of information pertaining to medical history, medications and treatments tried and reactions thereto, maintaining adequate store of current medications and supplements, staying abreast of new treatment approaches, both traditional and alternative, managing appointment schedule, and at all times be prepared to manipulate suggest adjustments to idiotic treatment plans.

Managing other disability related aspects, including wheelchair and other equipment maintenance, coordinating transportation, funding applications re: replacement of wheelchair, medications, equipment, etc. (all requiring a protracted amount of attention, filling out multitudes of forms, liaising with resources re: additional information and translation of bureaucratese and goverment regulations), managing and training attendant care providers, management and training of other professionals/agencies as needed, including to at all times be prepared to drop everything at aforementioned agencies’ whim and dedicate whatever time — minutes, hours, days — necessary to address problem, while ensuring continual high standards of other duties.

Other duties as assigned.

Any takers?