8 Practical Ways You Can Help Someone with Chronic Illness
When you have a chronic illness, asking for help can feel like a mine field. Likewise, if you want to help someone you care about who has a chronic illness, offering it has its own challenges. But finding a way to help and accept help can start to build bridges of understanding, of connection, and yes, of love. Here are eight ways you can help a friend or family member who has a chronic illness. But don’t forget that everyone’s mileage varies, as always check with your friend before you start helping.
But first: why help is important for both of you
Living with a chronic illness is a constant uphill battle, fraught with losses, compromises, and hard decisions about where to spend your now-limited energy and ability. It’s wonderful when someone tells you that you can count on them for help, but often, you can’t quite figure out where you need help or maybe, you’d feel like a burden if took them up on the offer. But if you can get to a place of asking for or accepting help, it can be a real gift of love — not just to you, but also to the friend or family member who wants to make your life a little easier.
Watching someone you care about struggle with chronic illness can be difficult and make you, the mostly healthy person, feel utterly helpless. The one thing you most want to do — wave a magic wand to make it all go away — you can’t. But with a little ingenuity and a lot of respect for the other person’s needs, you can make their life a little easier. It all starts with listening and putting your own need to fix things to the side. Don’t help with what you think they should have, instead create room for your friend can tell you what they truly need.
Here are my top eight practical ways you can help a person with chronic illness. Thanks much to the wonderful members of my private Facebook group Lene’s Couch for the inspiration and the quotes!!
For more tips on what you can do to help a friend or family member with a chronic illness, read my book Chronic Christmas: Surviving the Holidays with a Chronic Illness, now available in audiobook.
- Reduce the chaos
When you have a chronic illness, energy can be in short supply. Inevitably, certain areas of our lives never get to the top of list and may therefore be in complete chaos. Offer to sort, shred, file, and tidy. This works best for those who are naturally organized — if your own house is a tip, this may not be the best option for you.
Over the past year, several of my friends and family have all pitched in a few hours at a time to help me sort through all my stuff, discard, donate, and organize. At the end of every session, I felt lighter, I could find things again, and my house looked more peaceful. I would never have been able to do it myself, but now it’s much easier for me to keep the chaos from encroaching again.
- Meal prep
Meal prep is everywhere these days and it’s a fantastic idea. Spend a few hours cooking and cutting up, and voila, you have food for an entire week. But when you live with chronic illness, finding the energy to do that can be next to impossible. Not to mention the fact that spending a few hours working intently on a physical task can break you for days.
On the other hand, spending some time with someone you care about, while drinking a beverage — possibly adult — of your choice, cooking while laughing and talking? Now that’s a gift! Watch a few meal prep videos and do a plan before you get going and don’t forget that this particular way to help includes picking up ingredients at the grocery store. PS during the holiday season, maybe swap out making cookies instead of meals. Because cookies matter.
Image description: Teal speech bubble with the text: “Offer a ride to festivities, it’s so isolating when you don’t have any way and no one to go to any festivities with.- Marlene”
- Offer a ride
One of the reasons that having a chronic illness is a full-time job is the endless medical appointments. Sometimes, it’s a check-up with your doctor, seeing a new specialist, or going to get a blood test or x-ray. It’s relentless and exhausting. Being able to chip away at some of the practical details — such as getting there — can make a huge difference.
Offer a ride. It can be as simple as a quick drop off and being available to pick up the person whenever their appointment is over. Note: this can be unpredictable, ranging from minutes to hours. Set some time aside.
Acting as chauffeur can also be incredibly helpful for the holidays or special events. If the two of you are going to the same place, why not do the driving?
- Be a companion for medical appointments
Any medical appointment involves a lot of waiting around. It’s common to have to wait hours for an appointment with a specialist. This is incredibly boring, but also tiring, because you have to be mentally and physically present to notice your name being called, which means you can’t go to the cafeteria for coffee. Having someone with you to pass the time, pick up a snack, or hold your hand if you’re nervous makes the experience less stressful.
Be that person. Find out if your friend prefers to chat, or just wants silent company (you might want to bring a book, just in case it’s the latter). Some people will also appreciate if you are there for their appointment, to take notes or be moral support.
Image description: yellow speech bubble with the text: “Wrapping. Help me wrap. It would make me so much less stressed!!” – Michele
- Help with special events
Everyday life with chronic illness as a challenge. Now add a special event, such as the holidays, and overdoing it is guaranteed. Which results in flares of pain and other symptoms, leaving you correct for days.
Offer help with specific tasks. Whether it’s wrapping presents, decorating the house, running errands, making cookies, addressing envelopes and writing cards, or any other tiring, repetitive, or energetic task, volunteer to do it. The two of you might even have fun while doing it.
Image description: Purple speech bubble with the text “I’d like someone to come in and clean my floors every week – a clean floor gets me motivated and pleased with my surroundings. – Laurie”
- Clean
We all love a clean house, but there’s a reason it’s called a chore. Very few of us actually enjoy the act of cleaning. It’s also very physical task, so it can be difficult to do when you have a chronic illness.
Help with one aspect of cleaning. It could be dusting hard-to-reach places, washing the floor, scrubbing the tub, or any other task that’s particularly difficult for your friend. If you hate cleaning, a gift card for a cleaning service will be just as gratefully received. Just remember to tell your friend not to clean the house before they arrive.
- The gift of time
Chronic illness can be very isolating. Going out can be difficult, and when you’re tired and hurting, reaching out to others becomes something you’ll do later. Before you know it, you haven’t talked to anyone for weeks or longer.
Give your friend the gift of your time to not do something practical. Instead, set aside a few hours to bring over take-out and a movie, or maybe just a nice phone call if that’s all your friend can handle. Even better, make it a regular event.
Image description: light green speech bubble with the text “he nicest thing anyone ever did for me was tell me, “I hope you’ll be well enough to be here, but I totally understand if you’re not, and if that happens, I’ll make up a plate for you and bring it over.” – Sarah”
- Be flexible
The pressure to do things a certain way — what we often see as the only way — can be a trigger for flares of pain, fatigue, and other symptoms. Or it may even exclude you from an event because you just can’t. Figuring out other ways of doing things can be a lifesaver. And let’s face it, sometimes it’s a relief for the healthy contingent, as well.
Is the point to get together, rather than going out? Is it eating a meal, rather than one person hosting the family dinner? Is it connecting and showing love? Help each other be less married to what and how you do things, instead focus on what each are actually able to contribute. This might mean ordering pizza instead of making a turkey, changing the location of the family holiday party, or understanding if your friend has to stay home.
Tag: caregiving, chronic christmas, chronic illness, family, friendship, help, togetherness
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These are great tips for helping someone that has a chronic illness. Little gestures like cooking a meal or helping out with cleaning can make a huge difference to someone who’s suffering from an illness.
I had chronic fatigue syndromme few years ago, so I know how much each small gesture can be appreciated. What an interesting blog post, thank you.
Great tips of course. Flexibility, ahh flexibility is awesome.
These are fantastic tips, Lene. Very often people say things like, “if you need anything, just ask.” But how many of us pick up the phone and ask. Not many of us like asking for help. I think when people make a more direct offer of help, like, “I’m going to the supermarket, what can I pick up for you?” or “I’ve made extra food, I’ll bring some over”, people are more likely to accept that help.
I absolutely love this list. I often struggle with knowing how to help the people I love who are suffering with pain or sickness, This is such an amazing list. All of your points here are ones that I can easily do! Thank you so much for sharing!
A small gesture from our end can be so comforting for someone suffering from chronic illness. We all can make a big difference
I LOVE this. so many great ideas here for sure. You are right having a companion to a medial appointment can make all the difference xx
These are great ideas to help someone with chronic illness. Many times people want to help but they are not sure how to do it. I liked the suggestions of preparing meals and cleaning for people with chronic illness. That would be really helpful.
Thanks for sharing. I now know what to do if I meet someone with this illness.