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On the couch, flaring because you overdid it AGAIN? Yup, been there. In this column for HealthCentral, I break down how to keep yourself from overdoing it over and over again:

““Pace yourself.” This is the magic solution to all my woes of trying to live my life while managing rheumatoid arthritis (RA). At least, it’s presented as such by a miscellany of doctors, nurses, friends, family, and random articles on the Internet. When the solution comes wrapped in a nice little bow, but lacks an actual instruction manual, how are you supposed to implement this?

With everything that needs to get done in life, most of us end up exhausted and in pain on a regular basis, wondering yet again if we are missing something obvious. I have spent decades trying to work this out (usually while nursing a flare from overdoing it yet again) and this year, it finally clicked. This is what I learned and how I put it into action.

I learned to identify my obstacles. Whether you are repairing a leak in your bathroom or trying to improve how you live your life, it’s a good idea to identify the problem before you try to fix it. The way I see it, there are two obstacles to pacing yourself when you have a chronic illness. One is how bananas our lives have become. Along with work, taking care of your family, and being involved in your community, it seems we all need side hustles now as well. Realizing that my healthy friends were just as exhausted and burned out as me was really helpful—instead of “failing” because I have a chronic illness, I saw that we are all weighed down by trying to do too much.

The second obstacle is RA itself. We often have less energy than the average healthy person and simply can’t do as much. This, however, does not prevent us from trying! I have spent literal decades tangled up in my own expectations of what I “should” be doing, combined with the guilt I feel about not being able to be do it. Repeatedly getting sick from pushing too hard did not register. Or perhaps my denial was influenced by the grief of what I had lost and guilt that I didn’t—couldn’t—“measure up.” Somewhere along the line, I forgot how to say ‘no,’ to others, but especially to myself.”

Read the full column on how to pace yourself with RA on HealthCentral.