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When people don’t know what to say about your rheumatoid arthritis, they often rely on old adages or platitudes. The problem is, none of these actually help you feel supported and they are hardly ever useful. In this column for HealthCentral, I pick apart five platitudes that don’t help and suggest alternatives:

“EVEN THE MOST introverted among us cannot live in total isolation. Whether you interact with others virtually or in person, there comes a time when your rheumatoid arthritis (RA) might come up in conversation. Which is a cue to brace yourself for the onslaught of platitudes. When people don’t know what to say, they rely on old adages that are intended to sound encouraging or comforting, but from the recipient’s (our) point of view, usually are neither. I’m taking a look at the five top platitudes offered up to those of us who live with chronic illness, sharing why they don’t work, and what might sound better.

“Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger!”

Depending on how I feel when I hear this, I might either laugh (darkly and derisively) or start foaming at the mouth with rage. Living with RA is very definitely a builder of strength and resilience. However, suggesting that anything short of death is somehow a benefit comes dangerously close to looking for a silver lining with a magnifying glass and coming to the conclusion that I should be grateful for my opportunity to become an emotional superhero. When does it stop? Who decides where the line moves from a test of my fortitude to enough pain and loss that it’ll kill me? None of this is a good option.”

Check out my suggestion for what people can say instead, as well as the four other platitudes in my column for HealthCentral.