The Best Thing You Can Say or Do When Someone’s in Pain
Living with chronic pain is incredibly difficult. It’s invisible, which means that in order to be understood, you have to tell people about it and that’s when you hit another barrier. How do you put into words something that is pure sensation and unlike anything the average person has experienced? But on the other side of this coin, people around you want to support you, but don’t know what to do and say. When you live in a culture that focuses a little obsessively on health and ability, we aren’t taught how to deal with illness. Bridging this gap between those who live with pain and people who care about is essential. So let’s talk about what you can say and do when someone has pain.
I posted the question to the community on my Facebook page, asking for suggestions on how to bridge this gap between someone in pain and the people who care about them. Their responses fell into three broad categories:
Acknowledge the pain
When someone has pain, there is very little you can do to actually make it go away. As The Boy explains in his post about how my pain affects our relationship, it can make the other person feel really helpless. Those of us who to live with chronic pain are fully aware of this and don’t actually expect you to wave a magic wand to fix it (although, if you do have one of these, shoot me an email). Instead, something as simple as acknowledging the pain can be huge. Personally, I feel incredibly supported when someone says “that really sucks.” It conveys an acceptance that I have pain and an acknowledgement of how hard it is. Those two aspects together make me feel as if I am much less alone inside the pain.
Other ways to expresses include “I wish there was something I could do,” “I will pray for you,” and a (gentle) hug.
A small treat
Being in a lot of pain can make you feel very much alone and isolated, stuck within this awful feeling. Your entire family may be around you, but none of them are inside the pain the way you are — which, of course, is a good thing, because we don’t want anyone else to experience this difficult thing. But that feeling of isolation is why one of the most effective ways of saying ‘I care,’ is a small treat. Getting spoiled a little is always lovely, but when you’re having a rough day, especially so. It makes you feel less alone, gives you the reassurance that someone cares how you are. It doesn’t have to be a big deal or expensive, just a small gesture. An unexpected cup of tea or bowl of ice cream can do wonders — ice cream and chocolate can cure everything (okay, maybe not, but they help). So can offering to get the pain meds, partly because it means your friend or family member doesn’t have to incur the pain involved in doing it themselves, and partly because it means you have paid enough attention to know which pills to get and where they are.
Acts of helpful kindness
Our culture has somehow evolved to the point where we are all expected to do everything on our own, which is very weird considering how deeply interdependent we have always been and continue to be. Being mutually reliant on each other is good for you quite simply because we all need help sometimes. Whether it’s a new parent, someone in a caregiving situation, help with moving (or hiding bodies — kidding, really), or just another pair of hands to make the work lighter, anyone can benefit from a bit of help. And of course, when you have a chronic illness or live with chronic pain, help is even more important.
Again, it doesn’t have to be anything big. Any small act of support is important. In the depths of pain, the person may not be able to tell you exactly what they need, but it doesn’t take much to come up with something. Think about what you might need in that situation and act accordingly. Mowing the lawn, a meal with an extra portion for the freezer, taking over tasks that are normally in their “column,” such as washing the dishes or vacuuming the living room, and stepping in at work to finish a project or task, if feasible. For more ideas, you can also take a look at my book Chronic Christmas: Surviving the Holidays with a Chronic Illness, which has tips not just for people with chronic illness on how to make the holidays less stressful, but also for family and friends who want to make their lives easier. And PS The tips can apply to other times of year, as well.
What do you need others to say or do the most when you are in pain? Have you helped others in a way that was extra meaningful? Leave your tips in the comments!
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Lets laugh, I know i always talk about laughter, but for me, the cure for most things is a good laugh. So lets play a game, watch TV, see a movie. Lets go for a Root Beer, lets go to the park, lets eat some popcorn. but most of all, lets laugh. That is what I want, I want a reason to laugh.
Yes, distraction – being around other people. Over the last four years I’ve read a lot about coping with pain, but no one ever wrote about how distraction helps with pain. Then I read something that Joni Eareckson Tada, of Joni and Friends, wrote about it. She’s been paralyzed for over 50 years and has been a terrific source of encouragement.
There is some really sound and practical advice here, as sometimes people just do not know what to say and/or do x
I love this. I think when someone is experiencing pain it is best to try and understand the pain they are experiencing. Just being present, and offering help, or even providing comfort is extremely helpful during that time.
it is a very helpfl post. it is often hard to say something person really needs to hear, to support this person. often we are awkward and even make thing worse
This is great advice. Too often we find ourselves feeling helpless, unable to help those that we care about when they are going through something challenging. It’s not that there is necessarily one ‘right thing’ to say but (as you explained here) there are things that we can say that will help them see that we are there for them.
A good friend of mine was a Marine for 22 years, serving in 2 different wars. He was basically blown up and put back together again, so pain is a pretty constant thing for him. I’ve found the best thing to do is simply be understanding. When we hang out, he may have to take a break and go lay down for a bit to stretch his legs and back. Or if he’s doing something on the floor and has to get up, I’ll go stand near him so if his knee gives out, I’m there. I try not to make a big deal out of it or really talk about it, just be understanding of the fact it’s a pretty serious issue for him that he deals with everyday. It is difficult when I can’t begin to understand what he’s feeling, but I know his pain tolerance is significantly higher than mine. But I just try to be understanding without being insulting and help where I can.
It can be difficult to know how to act or what to say when someone is in pain. Everyone is different so it’s really important to try and understand their situation and do you best to comfort them. We often want to do something to be there for them but we feel helpless because we don’t know what to do. These are some really great things to try and even though it may not seem like much, every little bit helps!