Chronic Illness Doesn’t Mean You Don’t Contribute
I can’t work, so I feel like a deadweight in my marriage.
We used to do active things together and now we can’t. I worry that it’ll end our relationship.
I see these comments all the time as I talk to others in the chronic illness community. When you can no longer do everything you used to, do you still have worth to your spouse, your family, your friends?
And I get it. I completely understand that feeling.
When your relationships feel lopsided
I have had rheumatoid arthritis since I was a child and have used a wheelchair since I was 16. There is an awful lot I can’t do. I rely on others for everything and it has very often felt incredibly askew and lopsided. As if the other people in my life only give and I only receive.
That’s not healthy for anyone.
When I was in university, someone told my best friend that she was a saint for being my friend. Michele looked at them as if they’d grown another head, telling the person that she (Michele) felt I gave more than she did. I gave her emotional support during a very difficult time in her life and to her, that had much more value than occasionally helping me to the washroom or y’know, being seen with me in public.
Some idiots only see the wheelchair.
But this was the start of me starting to realize just how complex human relationships are. It took a long time to work this through, as well as multiple conversations with many people, and I finally came to this:
We live in a culture in which productivity and contribution are seen as intensely valuable. Where what is called emotional labour — listening, supporting, comforting, traditionally women’s work — is not. When you can’t produce and contribute in a tangible way by making money or doing something physical and visible (mowing the lawn, building a house, moving the couch), we have a sense that we aren’t doing anything.
But that’s not true.
You do contribute
You may not be able to participate in the same physical way as before, but that doesn’t mean you don’t contribute. In your marriage, you might be the person doing the budget, researching the best new appliance for your household’s needs, the one who is present when the contractor comes, and the person who listens when a child is sad.
Once, a friend called me up in a panic. Someone she loved had died and the person’s favourite flower (plant?) was pussy willows. Somehow, my friend felt as if nothing could possibly be right about her loved one’s funeral if there weren’t pussy willows for everyone, but where could she find those in October? I told her not to worry, that I would take care of it. I called every flower shop in the phone book and ended up finding one that had saved pussy willows for spring bouquets. Through that, I helped my friend feel a little better in a desperate time.
Relationships are not perfectly equal. They shift and mold depending on skills and interest. I know one couple where he mends because she hates to sew, and she irons because he can’t stand doing that. It is just the same in any of our relationships. I may not be able to unpack my boxes when I move, but I can find pussy willows in October, or listen to a friend late at night.
It is all valuable because we deem it so. Because when we have a need, someone is there to help fill it. The need is not ranked based on visibility, but rather on the help it provides, on the ease of a burden it leaves behind.
You are not made up of only one thing: your ability to be physical. Whether it is physical tasks or assistance, or no longer being able to play golf, kayak, or hike, it’s not all there is to you. It can feel that way, sure — that inability takes up so much room in your mind and heart that it feels as if you have nothing else to offer. But your spouse, your friend, your family don’t love you because of the hiking, cooking a meal for fifteen people on the holidays, or playing ball with the kids.
They love you for you. All that you are, every single facet, and all that you give them. And most of that cannot be seen with the naked eye. Most of that lives in the heart.
Tag: burden, chronic illness, equality, feelings, help, love, relationships, rheumatoid arthritis
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I agree with you. We are so much more than pain and suffering. We are people first and chronic illness otherwise. we are not heroes or martyrs, we are multidimensional humans. God bless the human beings.
This was a great read. We all have so many skills, gifts and things to offer the world no matter what our physical capabilities are.
People can be so callous at times it’s unreal. The ones who love you absolutely love you for who you are plain and simple. I always say you know who your true friends and loved ones are in a time of crisis. Who would drop everything for you. Great read.
I don’t even understand the word “disabilities”. In my view, we all have different abilities. My son has perfect pitch and no sight. I have an okay vision and a very poor ear for pitch. Who is disabled?
Our character and attitude toward life define us.
Is Nick Vujicic disabled? Google his name if you don’t know him. I can’t make any connection between the word “disability” and Nick!
Thank you for the inspirational and motivational post.
~ Julia
I think it is a very important moment for any person with chronic illness (esp who have just been diagnosed) to read this post. I am sure it gives a lot of faith
Very well said! I suffer from depression from time to time and feel these same things. Never really thought of all the other non-physical things I contribute.
We are all messed up and broken people. Some of us hide it better and for some of us it is more visual. A wonderful article. People can be insensitive and callous in the way to react to anything that is out of ordinary. Thanks for this wonderful article and i like your graphics.
This post resonates with me in a lot of ways. Not because of a chronic illness because I don’t have a chronic illness. But I adopted three children from fostercare and two of them have special needs. As things developed I lost my job because no daycare would take care of my toddler. As a result, a few friends have been sending me money monthly for over a year now and though we need it and I appreciate it immensly it really makes things feel unbalanced and I feel bad. But I think they see it as them doing their part to help orphans in America. Because they cannot be foster and adoptive parent but they can help support one.
This post resonates with me in a lot of ways. Not because of a chronic illness because I don’t have a chronic illness. But I adopted three children from fostercare and two of them have special needs. As things developed I lost my job because no daycare would take care of my toddler. As a result, a few friends have been sending me money monthly for over a year now and though we need it and I appreciate it immensely it really makes things feel unbalanced and I feel bad. But I think they see it as them doing their part to help orphans in America. Because they cannot be foster and adoptive parent but they can help support one.
No matter we are still worthy and we should all keep that in mind. Great post and it’s certainly inspiring as well.
I love this – fab post with such an important and positive message. I agree with you and feel everyone has something to offer xx
A great read and something everyone needs reminding of now and then.
I also see this often, when people feel guilt ridden and believe they aren’t enough due to their health issues. But they are. They’re more than enough.
You reminded me of something when your friend was told she was a saint for being your friend. My husband was told something similar for marrying me. Some people are just idiots.